For many years, I thought I had to act a certain way and practice certain rituals to call myself a spiritual person. I shamed myself when I felt anger or frustration and I perceived other people making lists of all my faults, with complaining landing in the number one position. And true enough, I met people who actually kept lists of my worst qualities just so they could pull them out during an argument or “truth” session.
So for decades, I attended spiritual and healing workshops; read most of the most famous self-help books on the market. I visited shamans, reiki masters, acupuncturists, chiropractors, and other types of healers. I cleared my ancestral DNA, had energy clearing work done, and just about every technique that is currently out there was done on me at one point or another. And yet, I still faced the same demons, only they got larger and more menacing over time.
Even when I practiced Law of Attraction, I attracted more of what I didn’t want than what I truly desired. And I experienced frustration because while everyone else appeared to be getting relief and finding joy, my demons grew larger. I wondered why I was so unpopular on and off-line (not that I care any longer). I wondered why other bloggers received thousands of followers and I was lucky to attract 30 or 100 or in some cases, one. And then I realized, even with all my diligent studying, I was missing a large piece of the puzzle, despite all the psychotherapy sessions I endured bashing my parents and upbringing. I was simply afraid to feel anger and shame or guilt, both disempowering were easier for me to swallow so I took on the role of the powerless victim, denying my truth.
So here’s what I learned in the past few days that have completely shifted my reality, including foods I desire. The situation began on August 2nd when my landlord gave me 30 days to vacate the studio where I’ve been staying since December because his wife is having a baby and they have decided not to rent out the space any longer. Innocent enough, but not in my mind. The gymnastics my mind performed to dump me in despair was worthy of an Olympic Gold Medal. While the situation wasn’t about me, I made it all about me. And while the situation is not a repeat of my experience in between homes from exactly a year ago, I hit the panic button while resisting good changes that are in store for me. My life is opening up and not closing down.
So a dear friend of mine in England set me up with a session with Frank (Communion of Light) who channels a collective of higher beings (don’t ask me to explain this one), which is a lot like the work of Abraham Hicks. The channeled beings provoked me to feel anger because prior to that session I never really allowed myself to feel and transmute anger. I kept trying to “kill” anger which left me stuck in shame, guilt, and powerlessness. So I allowed myself to feel extreme anger and it didn’t kill me and I didn’t harm anyone or cause any destruction. I simply allowed the anger to flow through me and transform into a different emotion. And that shifted my life.
And then the idea that awakening doesn’t happen through teaching a kind and gentle workshop or even attending a spiritual retreat unless there is an initiation involved. In order for us to break the bonds or hooks the material world has on us, we must be shocked into awakening in some way or have everything we know or believe stripped away from us in some way.
Many people have the image of Buddha sitting beneath a Bodi tree meditating, but prior to Buddha discovering enlightenment through stillness, he walked the path of a mendicant with a begging bowl. We know about Jesus dying on the cross, but we have lost the thread the metaphor of fully releasing oneself from the bonds of the material world so that we awaken. And prior to the bloody cross, death, and resurrection, Jesus had taught his followers/disciples to leave their comfortable home and family to basically take up the path of the mendicant. While Moses and his followers released themselves from slavery, they survived the desert prior to landing in the promised land and so on. Do you think these leaders denied their anger and covered up their feelings with fluffy words so that people thousands of years later could quote them on Twitter?
There’s no comfortable route to enlightenment. One can not sit under a tree manifesting with the Law of Attraction and vision boards without hauling out the garbage from the subconscious mind. One can not awaken by blaming or shaming others with different beliefs. And we also, as I recently learned do not awaken by destroying harder emotions such as anger. And in fact, anger is our friend because it creates alchemy in our lives when used correctly. This is harder for women who were told that anger isn’t ladylike and endured all the awful labels glued on them every time they did express anger or assert themselves.
But let me ask you a question. Would you rather feel anger or shame? Shame is much lower on the vibrational scale and no where near the feeling of joy. Anger does not need to lead to destruction, abuse, manipulation, or control. And in fact, people use manipulation and control when they actually feel helpless or powerless. Why else would they have a need to control otherwise? If we choose to awaken (and I hope everyone chooses to awaken), walking an uncomfortable route knocks us out of complacency and even boredom.
I used to believe that if I attended enough workshops and studied real hard, I would reach enlightenment. Now, I have let that idea go in the breeze. I don’t care if I reach enlightenment, but awakening at least feels good and brings relief. We believe so many lies others have told us that we don’t trust our intuition, especially when our intuition tells us the opposite of what others teach us. But we live in an age where becoming more authentic allows us to share our talents and skills to make the world a better place. Stop playing small. Stop quoting other people and find your own words. Stop manipulating others because you believe that others will save you.
I did those things for years and then my life crashed around me. But my life crashing around me the fall of 2014 was the best thing that could have happened even if I couldn’t place it in a box with a neat bow. Gifts come in many guises but if those gifts lead to awakening, nothing else matters.
I am a metaphysical coach, astrologer, and author. Find out more at Metaphysics 4 Everyday Living.